So I succumbed to curiosity and finally downloaded Pokémon Go. My partner and I decided to have a quick look at it while we pop out to the shops for some wine and ended up walking around the area for two and a half hours. At the time of writing, It's been a week and a day since I started and I am a level 18 trainer and I thought there are a few things everyone should know, so here goes.
1. The game chats shit about your ends
There's a 'Nearby' bar which often claims there's a Pinsir or a Lapras about. There isn't, don't waste your time holding out hope and carry on catching Pidgeys and Rattatas. The location tracking is a bit broken anyway and so when I come indoors it jumps me about 400m away into a whole different post code but my 'Nearby' remains identical. Also, I've seen some claims (Forbes, WhatCulture) that the paw symbols under the Pokémon sprites indicate distance from the listed Pokémon but I've never ever ever ever ever ever ever seen any fewer than three paws and I've caught over 500 Pokémon by now.
2. Your balls are wonky
There is literally no consistency to the throwing mechanic. I've thrown Pokéballs right in the middle of a Drowzee's stupid face and it didn't register as Nice or Great but I've missed a Horsea's ring and got an Excellent. I get random curveballs which I suspect (but cannot confirm) come down to me not holding my phone straight, since the game uses the built-in gyroscope. All I can really tell you is keep throwing those balls at those stupid faces and hope for the best.
3. The game thinks you're a mug
It will freeze. It will not load from noon until about 1:30 and from 8:30 until about 9:30 on most weekdays. It will hatch a 10km egg and then freeze without saving so you've walked for nothing. It will throw a 1080cp Mewtwo your way only for it to run away after breaking away from one of your balls. You'll finally catch that 1080cp Mewtwo and the game will freeze without saving. (Disclosure: not true story)
4. You're not sad for playing it
And anyone who claims otherwise is sad. As long as you're still being responsible and not walking in the middle of the road or mucking about at work to catch a Pikachu, you're not sad. There's nothing sad about going for a jog because you got your first 10km egg and are super excited except the egg hatching and the game freezing and cheating you of your prize because it thinks you're a mug.
5. It's not as good on your Jack Jones
Grab a friend. If you don't have a friend, make a friend. Make sure it's a good friend, too. I've played with three different people and really enjoyed playing with one, relatively enjoyed playing with another and the last one was useless. The game's success is greatly owed to its social aspect, the way it brings people together talking about fictional monsters.
6. Don't expect to make actual friends
I mean, we're all just playing a silly game and talking about Pokémon on a really shallow level, we won't suddenly start going to Bryan Adams gigs together. I'm not saying people haven't become genuine friends because of Pokémon Go, I'm saying don't expect to make life-long friends playing the bloody thing.
7. The teams literally have no relevance
Once you reach Level 5 you can join Team Instinct (the Yellow one), Team Mystic (the Best one) or Team Valor (the Red one) and start battling gyms. The game claims Instincts are interested in Pokémon's nature and finding different Pokémon, Mystics are interested in Pokémon evolutions, and Valors are interested in bringing out the true power of Pokémon. Now, presumably, this would mean that Instincts have the most varied spawns, Mystics get the most repeat spawns and Valors get the spawns with the highest CP (Combat Power) but that just doesn't seem to be the case. Another red herring.
8. Don't get too attached to early Pokémon
You'll be milling them for spare candy soon enough. I've kept my starting 12cp Charmander just as a bitter reminder of how stupid the game is in the starter regard. I had a Raticate and Pigeotto called BorisJohnson and MikeGove, respectively, whom I transferred for candy about two days in. I recently transferred my NickFrost Raticate too and decided to no longer nickname my Pokémon unless they're over 1,000cp. I've got a Magmar I called Darnell.
9. Time is not on your side
The game tracks NOTHING while it's closed or minimised or your screen's locked. Nothing except for your timed bonuses like lures, lucky eggs and incense. It's Tauros crap and we all know it. If you're gonna use a lure or an incense or even a lucky egg, make sure you have a half hour spare, you're willing to do a bit of walking and that you're not playing during one of the times when the servers are particularly bad.
10. No one really knows anything
I've seen conflicting statements on some aspects and some of the things published about this game are just not true. Niantic haven't been particularly good at explaining how the thing works and so it's all a bit trial-and-error. If you do think you know anything interesting that should be on this list, let me know.
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